Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
