alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i dont even know how to be here
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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