My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
This is classic penis vs brain.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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