My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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