I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
