Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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