Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
