enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I miss vodka workout Fridays
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
