hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Everything about him screamed your future.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
