Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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