Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
