when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
