can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
