you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
