i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
