The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
