I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
