i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
