PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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