The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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