dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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