i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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