My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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