Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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