at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Randomize
