So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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