I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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