you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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