Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
