No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
