I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize