I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
