I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Please don't give away my fajitas
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize