you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize