I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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