ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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