so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
