somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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