I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
