when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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