i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
