i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
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