Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
