she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
