i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
