the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
