he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
