He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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