she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just high enough for therapy.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize