YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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