and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
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