Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I cut my penus on the lid.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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