He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
