i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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