I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
