My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
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