last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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