Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So much rum. So many feels.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
