DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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